Ghetto Pass Revoked: A Retrospective of Mission Movies

Alright folks, today I’m going to a screening of La Mission with the amazing Margarita Azucar. I’m down with the Bratt brothers, we’re all LHS alumni, but I haven’t seen a movie that Benjamin Bratt has been in since Catwoman. It takes a lot of fuckin’ guts to give a movie a monolithic title like La Mission so it better be good.

It’s been surreal to see this movie get national press attention and hear film critics discuss the dynamics of the Mission District. This might lead one to think that La Mission has been the only “Mission” movie-but not so. There have been many pretenders to the throne.

First up is a movie simply titled Mission. I remember the main draw of the film when it was initially released was that it starred a cast member of the Blair Witch Project. Here’s its official synopsis:

“A young aspiring writer, Marvin, from New York moves to California to write a novel. He ends up rooming with a chaotic, bohemian musician named Jay. Marvin finds himself inexorably drawn into the vibrant youth culture of San Francisco’s Mission District as both Jay and himself watch their worlds disintegrate. They discover that each has a lot to learn from the other. Mission is a coming of age story casting a spotlight on a place and time, moments before artistic aspiring types yielded the Mission to the dotcom entrepreneurs.”

As a movie, Mission is alright. The only thing saving it from mediocrity is that it captures a unique moment in time for the neighborhood. It shows the Mission while it was experiencing gentrification (as opposed to already being gentrified) during the upswing of the dotcom economy. It’s interesting to see creative and eccentric young White people in the Mission before the emergence of hipster culture. Funny enough, Mission Street is almost nowhere to be seen in the film. Of all the areas in the Mission, Guerrero Street gets the most play.

Next up is Mission Movie. I know a lot of people who are hesitant to give an honest assessment of this film because it was supposedly a sincere “community effort” but I’m here to tell you that it’s utter dog shit. To view Mission Movie‘s official trailer CLICK HERE. Here is a section of its long winded synopsis:

Mark, a white, traditionally trained artist, is forced to seek the help of Roger, a Latino artist born and raised in the Mission, to confront a group of kids who have been tagging his mural. Meanwhile, Mark and his troubled hipster roommates amble into activism as they face eviction from their apartment. Also being evicted from the building are Rosario and Rene, recent immigrants whose marriage is tested by their new environment. Antonia, a third-generation resident, finds the fruits of her success making her an “accidental” target. And George, a Palestinian shop-owner struggles as his love for his decidedly American children is challenged by conflicting values.

Mission Movie plays out like a Disney fairy tale version of the cultural and class conflicts that occur in the Mission every day. Taken straightforward as a piece of cinema, Mission Movie is bad. The acting is terrible, the camerawork is sloppy at best, and it’s just straight up corny. Each character is an ideal depiction of the different demographics that populate the Mission District and in the process of simplifying and sanitizing what they represent Writer/Director Lise Swenson has sucked the soul out of all of them. I’d take Mission‘s depiction of an angst-filled White writer over Mission Movie‘s all encompassing storyline that does a disservice to everyone involved. There’s no other way to say it, this shit is all kinds of fucked up.

Unlike Mission, I’ve only viewed Mission Movie once but I’m still haunted by one particular scene of the movie. In it, a young woman walks down Mission Street (pretty much the only scene actually shot on Mission Street) and is followed and harassed by a group of stereotypical cholos. The sad truth about Mission Movie is that with the exception of one central character, this is the only time you see young Latino males. For the most part Latino males are depicted as either cute lovable kids or wise and respectable men. Watching it was a like a punch to my Chicano gut; the pain of which I still haven’t forgotten.

If my assessment of movies filmed in the Mission is a little depressing, don’t despair. There is at least one masterpiece out there that’s been filmed in the Mission District. One such work of cinematic excellence is The Wesley’s Mysterious File (and no that’s not a typo the title really is “The Wesley’s Mysterious File”). It’s a Hong Kong production filmed in San Francisco and it makes better use of the city than any other film before or after it.

While some have speculated that The Wesley’s Mysterious File is one of the worst movies ever made; I contend that it’s one of the most fun movies ever made and perhaps the most hilarious movie filmed in San Francisco. Here is the completely nonsensical official synopsis:

Wesley, is responsible for handling all the incidents that relate to extraterrestrial life on Earth. One day, Wesley meets Fong when he is looking at a blue human bone in an antique shop. Fong is an alien from the Blue Blood Planet, she left her home 600 years ago to look for the Blue Blood Bible. Wesley tries to stop Fong going away, the Double X Unit lead by Wai and So is ordered to handle the case. At the same time, Kill and Rape arrive Earth from Blue Blood Planet. They come here to take Fong back to the Blue Blood Planet.

If that’s confusing check out this awesome trailer

Simply put, The Wesley’s Mysterious File is batshit crazy. Its genius is that it takes the Mission District to a place it’s never been before: science fiction. About ten minutes into the film there is a scene in which main character Wesley stumbles onto a residential motel that’s been taken over by zombie-like aliens. The Wesley’s Mysterious File earns its ghetto pass by setting the scene on 15th and Valencia, right across the street from the notorious Valencia Gardens housing project. It doesn’t get much more Mission than that. The scene includes a Mexican stand0ff followed by Wesley and a swat team storming the building and blowing holes in the occupying aliens. Eventually they are overpowered by a massive demonic-looking computer generated creature and the fight breaks out into the streets again. It has to be seen to be believed.

The Wesley’s Mysterious File can be purchased in Chinatown at almost any DVD shop or from Amazon. Mission can also be purchased from Amazon. Mission Movie, thankfully, can’t be found anywhere and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m off to check out La Mission. I will report back with a review later this weekend.




Mission Report: Valentine’s Day Edition

This is Rio Yañez taking it to the streets in an effort to bring you the latest news, chisme, and trash talk from the Mission District. Strap on your chanclas ’cause here we go!

Maybe it doesn’t hold up much these days but back in the day you couldn’t claim any sort of ghetto glam status without having your photo in the window of Dore Studio. If there was ever a Mission District version of America’s Next Top Model it was the competition between homegirls and hoodrats to get face time in the window at 2442 Mission Street. No joke, my homegirl Michelle once had her photo up in the window and we all treated it like it was a glorious 15 minutes of fame.

You want proof of the rapid gentrification of the Mission District? Look no further than the steep decline of ghetto gold. HISTORY LESSON: These gaudy-ass gold pieces used to be everywhere in the Mission. You used to be able to buy gold 49er chains in the New Mission theater while movies played. Sharp dressed men would go up and down the aisles with suitcases full of ghetto gold. You also could walk down the street and dudes would open their coats and they would be draped with the most ghetto fabulous chains and watches. The ghetto gold hustler is an endangered species in the Mission; the last time I saw a ghetto gold deal was years ago. It was inside the McDonald’s on 24th street and this guy has a small briefcase full of chains, he strolled up to a woman sitting down with her cheeseburger and opened it up on her table. She paid cash for a thin necklace and her parting words to him were “If I find out this shit is fake, I’mma come back and getcho’ ass.” Nowadays, ghetto gold is limited to a handful of shops around the neighborhood but I can’t imagine them lasting long unless gold weed leaves become a popular ironic accessory for hipsters.

Apparently the Mission District version of Batman claims North Side. That explains the MS13 tattoo I saw on the Joker’s neck the other day. Somewhere out there the ghost of Bob Kane is spinning; keep ya head up Bob.

Mariela and I went to Sheikh on 23rd & Mission to cop some cheap & sexy shoes for our Valentine’s day rendezvous. Back in the day, Foxy Lady Boutique was the only place on Mission street to buy ghetto-ass hootchie shoes; thankfully a lot of less-expensive alternatives have sprung up over the years. Sheikh may be a corporate chain but it’s my favorite place to buy footwear in the Mission. We came across these amazing pair of Shiekh Mellina-17G‘s pictured above and it was love at first sight. My homie Roger tipped me off that they’re bootlegs of Chanel gun-heeled shoes. Alas they were just a bit too small and they didn’t have the next size up. Once I get paid again best believe that I’ll be ordering pairs in gold and black online.

That does it for today’s dispatch from the front lines of the Mission District! Stay tuned for more slangin’ and bangin’ soon!